102

It's been a while.

So I have taken a hiatus to explore the depths of my being, to find some kind of enlightenment and serene energy lodged somewhere inside me. It hasn't been an easy journey, the more you look into yourself the harder it gets. If you've been there you'd know what I mean.

It's so easy to lose yourself and hold on to objects of attachment (pain, sadness, wealth, people) and let it cling on to you without realising that it's been dragging you down. You need to realise that these things have never really been a part of you. You may have held it close, but it has always been outside of you. I guess that's how you let go. It's the act of noticing your wholeness and how you still have everything together. It's the act of telling yourself, "Hey, I got this".

You know it's okay to make mistakes. You've heard people say that a million times, you've heard people say its best to make mistakes if you learn from them. Yeah you've heard those things, but have you ever honestly believed it? Quit it. Quit carrying the weight of guilt and regret and trust that you have learnt and dust yourself off and keep moving forward with your chin up. You're a stronger, better person and you sure as hell won't let anyone, who tells you otherwise, get in your way.

Be patient, be gentle, be kind, be in love with everything and everything will be ten times more beautiful than it already is. There is no room for hate or negativity in a heart full of love like yours. In fact, all the love you have inside repels hate, and you refuse to immerse yourself in such dark energy when you deserve light. Everyone deserves light.

Love everything. This is so important it needs its own paragraph. Open your eyes to see the good in everything; all the people who love you, and all the people who have done wrong to you too. The good times, and the bad times. The smooth sailing seas and the bumpy roller-coaster rides. There is always something to love about everything. From cool rainy nights to realising how great of a family you have, even when things are going rough. Everything is worthy of love, especially you.

Also, you're not alone. You are not alone when you dine for one in a restaurant. You may have a book in hand, but that's not the only company. Look closer, my friend. Fill up your ears with the sounds all around you; the murmur of distant conversations, the cacophony of all the hullaballoo happening outside. Everyone around you all live separate lives, and yet in some making of the universe, you are collectively living in the space and time. So no, you're not alone. You are never alone.

There, now there is nothing for you to be sad, or angry about. All there is, is you. A you full of love and happiness and peace. It doesn't take too much, all you have to be is you.

With love,
AA

101

It's because I messed up, so much that this place has become nothing but a map of pain, sadness and emptiness.

There is not one place, or one person, I can run to and feel safe.

I'm so tired, of never feeling like I belong. I'm tired of pretending that I do.

I don't know where I am, or how I got here.

100

I don't know if you have noticed.

It has been a little over half a year, that I haven't quite been myself. Not that I deliberately changed to be something I'm not, it's just that I think I faded into this lifeless, jaded entity who hid behind a mask of indifference and ignorance. I didn't choose that mask, but I guess that was just an involuntary reflex to hide the fact that I have fallen... again.

I became so obsessed with hiding my rapture that it ate me up from the inside out. Soon enough cracks started to show and I found myself distancing from everyone and everything because I didn't want to be weak, I knew I was capable of strength and therefore I figured I could be strong all the time. I didn't think the distance would've done much damage, until I realised no one noticed that I was hiding. No one noticed that I was pretending. Pretending to be okay, to be strong.

I think I brought it upon myself anyway. I didn't want people to know that behind that off-putting front, was a scared and tired, broken girl.

The thing about people is; when you don't quite understand something about someone else, you're really quite quick to dismiss and ignore it. It's always so much easier to simply not think about it. But I don't blame them.

It got to the point where I would find myself lost in my own thoughts, even in important settings. I would be present physically, but miles away mentally and emotionally. This occurred in school, events with friends, even family gathering. I don't know how I was able to float away inside my head almost instantaneously. 

I lost interest in almost everything. No matter how hard I tried to concentrate in one moment, I never really could. The thing is, I felt safe in that bubble, but I also felt completely alone and invisible. The feeling of helplessness was so overpowering that it swallowed me whole. I could be in a room full of people I knew closely and still feel entirely invisible. I lost that sense of belonging, that warmth you get from the people who mean the most to you. I turned cold, but I ignored that too.

As a result, my ties with the people who meant most to me weakened so much that I no longer felt included in anything anymore. There was nothing I could do but to turn away and walk away from something I thought I honestly couldn't fix. 

Over time I knew something was wrong with me. 

Everyone has their own set of values and traits that make up his or her own character. I knew for a fact that I'm not someone who would do things half-assed, I'm not someone who puts myself before other people, and I'm not someone who would want to do things to affect someone else negatively. I really am not. And so by being so far detached, my being morphed itself into something completely opposite of what I really am.

Things only went worse from there.

There were so many things to be unhappy about. Without warmth, there was never anything that really made me feel good. It was like being trapped in a cold, dark and empty well, wedged deep inside my head. All of this hurt, and I was doing it to myself.

With all this pain the easiest way to ease it once and for all would mean ending my life. I would go by day to day thinking "today I might die and thats okay 'cause it doesn't really matter anyway. I'd be free and nothing would hurt". Then one day I realised that I was already dead, because this was no way to live, but I really couldn't help it.

I'm trying to hold on.

99

(You know it's bad when you have so many things in your head but all you can say is)

I'm so tired.

x

98

I wish I could tell you how much I miss you, without seeming so vulnerable. I wish I could tell you how much I miss spending every waking moment possible with you, in our own little world, just to forget the real one outside of it. I wish I could tell you how scary it is for me, to no longer have you around, to keep my chin up, to have someone to talk to at the end of the day. I wish I could tell you how much I miss giving you my 120%, and not merely the 20% I've been giving. I wish I could tell you how much it sucks to want to be your girlfriend, but I know I can't give you that, not right now, not like this. I wish you could see through my distance and realise I really need to stand on my own, so I could be better for us. I wish you knew how it's like when I can't turn to you for warmth anymore, you're cold and far away right now, and I hate that. I wish you'd listen, really listen, and hear the pain in my heart when I say I can't be with you anymore, not because I don't love you, but because I can't bear seeing you unhappy with me. I wish you knew, I wish you believed me when I tell you I honestly do love you, and I'd rather love you from a distance than be bound to you yet not able to give you everything you need. I wish I could tell you all this, without you pushing it away, as if it doesn't matter, because it does. You matter, we matter, this is just something I've got to do for myself.

Between the bright lights all I see is your silhouette 
the outline of an abyss so dark and empty
a faceless shape reminding me of regret
of how you lost your colours of me

97

Looking for Azimah.

I think I lost her.

Help?

To the beach

To the beach by azimahazmi