100

I don't know if you have noticed.

It has been a little over half a year, that I haven't quite been myself. Not that I deliberately changed to be something I'm not, it's just that I think I faded into this lifeless, jaded entity who hid behind a mask of indifference and ignorance. I didn't choose that mask, but I guess that was just an involuntary reflex to hide the fact that I have fallen... again.

I became so obsessed with hiding my rapture that it ate me up from the inside out. Soon enough cracks started to show and I found myself distancing from everyone and everything because I didn't want to be weak, I knew I was capable of strength and therefore I figured I could be strong all the time. I didn't think the distance would've done much damage, until I realised no one noticed that I was hiding. No one noticed that I was pretending. Pretending to be okay, to be strong.

I think I brought it upon myself anyway. I didn't want people to know that behind that off-putting front, was a scared and tired, broken girl.

The thing about people is; when you don't quite understand something about someone else, you're really quite quick to dismiss and ignore it. It's always so much easier to simply not think about it. But I don't blame them.

It got to the point where I would find myself lost in my own thoughts, even in important settings. I would be present physically, but miles away mentally and emotionally. This occurred in school, events with friends, even family gathering. I don't know how I was able to float away inside my head almost instantaneously. 

I lost interest in almost everything. No matter how hard I tried to concentrate in one moment, I never really could. The thing is, I felt safe in that bubble, but I also felt completely alone and invisible. The feeling of helplessness was so overpowering that it swallowed me whole. I could be in a room full of people I knew closely and still feel entirely invisible. I lost that sense of belonging, that warmth you get from the people who mean the most to you. I turned cold, but I ignored that too.

As a result, my ties with the people who meant most to me weakened so much that I no longer felt included in anything anymore. There was nothing I could do but to turn away and walk away from something I thought I honestly couldn't fix. 

Over time I knew something was wrong with me. 

Everyone has their own set of values and traits that make up his or her own character. I knew for a fact that I'm not someone who would do things half-assed, I'm not someone who puts myself before other people, and I'm not someone who would want to do things to affect someone else negatively. I really am not. And so by being so far detached, my being morphed itself into something completely opposite of what I really am.

Things only went worse from there.

There were so many things to be unhappy about. Without warmth, there was never anything that really made me feel good. It was like being trapped in a cold, dark and empty well, wedged deep inside my head. All of this hurt, and I was doing it to myself.

With all this pain the easiest way to ease it once and for all would mean ending my life. I would go by day to day thinking "today I might die and thats okay 'cause it doesn't really matter anyway. I'd be free and nothing would hurt". Then one day I realised that I was already dead, because this was no way to live, but I really couldn't help it.

I'm trying to hold on.