L'esprit d'escalier

59

2012-02-25T01:44:00.000+08:00

Didn't manage to put this up in time. ):

Well I hope things go smoothly!

58

2012-02-23T03:06:00.000+08:00

How it happened.

It started out with a simple Facebook friend request, which he initiated.

Unfortunately for him, I had a bitch-phase going on.

I developed a habit of ignoring friend requests from people I barely knew, and I didn't know Hafiz at all.

So obviously he was tossed aside (figuratively), and I honestly didn't give a care at all.

Well he told me he wanted to get to know me better after seeing a photo of my sister and I,

but I guess he couldn't find me.

There was this period of time I was arguing with my sister,

so I blocked her off everything and she wasn't Facebook friends with me.

Poor guy, when he finally found me,

it took about 2-3 months before I finally approved his request.

I don't know why I did.

Maybe it was the fasting month and I wanted to be nice.

Maybe after my predawn meal I just had to get on the computer and scroll through all the friend requests,

and I clicked on his profile, it turned out that I liked what I saw.

Maybe since I saw that he lived in my area, we could have friendly hang outs.

Maybe I was feeling extra flirty, or maybe I just wanted to make friends with someone new,

and moderately good looking who was moderately fit.

*cough*

Oh come on, Facebook request decisions are a little easier for people who are easy on the eyes.

Just keeping it real!

But honestly my intentions were to test the waters,

despite practically wading around the freaking place for an entire year and a half.

I had been solitary for so long after a hard fall, I swear I thought I'd forgotten how to love.

The truth is, my hands were already stained red,

from the hearts I've taken and crushed, because I fled before things got way too messy.

For some reason nobody seemed right enough, although I secretly so desperately wanted someone to be.

He needed to be just right, you know?

I needed to feel that assurance that he'd hang on to his seat for one hell of an endless roller coaster ride.

The one thing everyone else lacked,

was the ability to capture my withered heart,

and give that jolt of energy to remind me I was worth loving again.

No, comfort wasn't enough.

I still felt the walls around me.

It was like being trapped in a dried out well, with cushions and entertainment.

I was still very much alone, because I couldn't quite let anyone in.

Anyway, we started talking.

The awkward stages of getting to know someone, I'm never ever good at.

I always either scare off a person, or bore a person.

OR I'd get bored because someone would get too eager and then all weird and creepy.

The thing that struck me most was how alike we were,

and I kept coming back for more.

The way he talked, and stopped talking, was exactly the same thing I did.

He didn't display any creepy eagerness, he was sort of holding back,

and it drove me nuts! Because I did the exact same thing!

It was the peculiarity of it all that really enticed me.

Something in him was different, yet at the same time strangely familiar.

Seemingly this made me want to know him even more.

We didn't date right away, we talked for days, and then days turned to weeks.

Some days I thought he weren't that interested in me.

But that didn't really matter, I wasn't looking for anything serious.

We hung out at Starbucks with sushi watching cat videos one evening,

and after midnight I got a text from him saying he still wanted to hang out.

So we sat near my place, under the stars and had hours of conversation.

Most of what we talked about struck a chord in me.

The days went by and we did the same thing often.

Just sitting, and talking.

I never really bothered to do something like that with anyone else.

He was a unique blend of unpredictability and familiarity,

a perplexed paradox I soon grew to adore.

For the lessons I've learnt in endearment, I told myself to hold back until I was really ready.

But the placidity of it all eased my rigid inner conscience and it was like he walked through the walls around me.

Opening up to anyone never felt so effortless.

One of the nights after weeks, we were sitting and talking as usual,

he randomly pulled the hood of my pullover, covering my eyes.

I felt him lean close to my face as if studying every detail of my nose, my cheeks, my lips and my chin.

"The fuck are you doing?"

"Nothing. Tell me, how close?"

"I don't know. I feel your breath, so you're really close. Okay quit it."

Aaaaaaand he leaned in to kiss me. Aaaaaaaand it was perfect. Aaaaaaaaand I'm not going to go into detail.

The kiss. THE KISS.

After it happened it was like I could feel my heart sigh and smile.

There. There was that jolt of electricity I needed.

--

So there you go. That's basically how it all began, minus the prelude.
But that bit's a little too precious to share.

I'll just say I thank God for reaching deep into my heart and answering my prayers.

I love you, Hafiz Latiff.

57

2012-02-22T06:03:00.000+08:00

I know. I know this sounds "namby-pamby" or effeminate, even.

But I couldn't care less. I can't keep it in much longer.

In the morning the first things I feel when I wake up

are the minute fat globules rolling over each other,

all around my inner thighs.

I reach down and pinch the flab,

letting out a sigh.

This only means another day I lose track of what's important.

I get blinded by the picture of ripples coming to sight

if I were to slap myself in the thigh or bum.

The image repeats in my head, over and over,

as I go about my life on the outside.

Morning. Day. Night. And then it starts all over again.

In the inside I'm all worn and jaded,

like a rusted movie reel playing the same thing over and over.

I am obsessed.

You say I'm fine. You say I look great.

But that's never enough. What everyone says is never adequate,

Why? Simple.

You don't see what I do through my eyes.

Problem.

That's the problem.

I can't look at myself other than through these eyes and this brain.

These organs are broken, aren't they?

I can't see what everyone can see in me.

My blood is poisoned, my brain is damaged,

my eyes are blinded, my bones have vanished,

my skin is paper, my heart is tired.

Sometimes my heart screams, but nothing really happens.

Everyday I hope something in me changes,

but the rain comes down and washes progress away,

and I'm back to square one.

I wish I could halt this, it's wearing me out.

It's been half a decade, and my time could be running out.

From the inside it burns me, it's killing me.

I wish I could stop this demon inside of me,

but it's not that easy.

I am thankful, genuinely grateful,

for all I have. Sincerely.

I only detest this dark being sleeping inside me,

which I have been cursed with my entire life.

56

2012-02-22T05:18:00.002+08:00

Cravings

Creme-fucking-brulee.

Black pepper-fucking-crab

(Havent had crab for about a year now.)

Unagi never gets old. NEVER.

My favourite kind of pasta dish - Aglio Olio.

Thinking of making a wholemeal prawn Aglio Olio soon. Yay or Nay?

Never was a big fan of satay, but satay hati is the best!

Satay hati is liver satay!

Oh and for those who don't know, assuming I have some non-local readers,

satay is a kind of shish-kebab-ish thing? Meat on a stick.

Basically the same thing.

I'm Eager to Try;

Nope, never tried eggs benedict.

Not even tacos!

Seafood allergies in the household, hence the deprivation of a lot of shellfish.

Squid Ink Pasta looks so good!

Speaking of looking good..

Lastly..

.......

....................

................................

Alexander Skarsgard!

sbvejhveygwegewfzxdgfhcyvgh

Screw Zayn Malik or freakin Ash Stymesh or Francisco Lachowski

or whatever other pretty boy.

I likezzz a manzzzz.

Okay Azimah, calm down, you're only 17.

BUT STILL.

I should sleep. Night.

55

2012-02-18T01:32:00.000+08:00

You know how you list down all the things you want to do during the holidays, while you're busy with school and heaps of assignments?

My list looked like this;

Feb-April Holiday To-do list.

- Get a job

- Go to Krabi/Phuket/Bali

- Learn a new sport

- Spend more time with my girlfriends

- Research on possible internship options for Year 3

- Put together my portfolio

- Get a pair of heels/(sandal) wedges

- Develop my rolls of film

And so after the first week of holidays it looks like this;

Feb-April Holiday To-do list.
~~- Get a job~~
- Go to Krabi/Phuket/Bali
~~- Learn a new sport~~
- Spend more time with my girlfriends
- Research on possible internship options for Year 3
- Put together my portfolio
- Get a pair of heels/(sandal) wedges
- Develop my rolls of film

Okay, not much progress. But before you critique, I emphasize that it's only the first week of holidays. For a sloth-like being, I have done quite admirably so far.

Got a temporary job under BlackChamber, working on weekends.

The job's very chilled out. I dont know, come to think of it,

all the jobs I've ever worked were really relaxed.

Or maybe I have a gift of not letting shit get to me when work has to be done.

Either way, I'm content!

Also I've been trying out climbing,

with the support of the other part of me, my paramour, Hafiz.

He's such a sweetheart.

It's definitely something different for me.

Nonetheless, I like a challenge.

Anyway, back to the list. I had to make some amendments. Why?

The last time I opened my wallet all I got were hopeless receipts.

Now it looks like this;

Feb-April Holiday To-do list.
~~- Get a job~~
~~- Learn a new sport~~
- Spend more time with my girlfriends
- Research on possible internship options for Year 3
- Put together my portfolio
- Develop my rolls of film

I'm so bummed I can't even afford the Foo Fighters concert at the moment, but hopefully things turn around. I need a dose of Dave Grohl!

Anyone eager to donate to my Foo Fighters fund? I'll make you a bad ass grilled cheese sandwich! No?

54

2012-02-14T03:49:00.000+08:00

Just some pictures.

(What's been happening, brace yourselves for a long picture post.)

I love how my family accepts Hafiz and vice versa (:

The new CPDG logo! I helped model for this.

It isn't exactly designed after the photos I took,

instead the designer used some parts as a muse.

I think it turned out great!

Last week of school: Submission week = Craziiii

Inari with lobster salad and tuna mayo, and soft shell crab maki.

Mixed fruit tart from Delifrance.

Had lunch with my mom.

The macaroons there were pretty good!

Forgot what this was called, but it was good.

Manhattan Fish Market with the favourite kids from school.

Matte black nails!

First day of work.

Got a temporary job under Black Chamber at Tangs for their sale for the whole of February,

but I'm only working on weekends.

Launch and Yang Lay did not have jobs for me so I had to find another.

Plus, my dad's new gym at Bukit Panjang is still under construction.

Work was more relaxed than I thought.

For the first day it took my colleagues 6 hours to talk to me.

(Excuse my chronic bitch face.)

But by the second day I talked more and time passed by pretty quick!

Met pretty cool people.

This is 3/8 of the funner, more sociable people working on level 4.

We were bored so we decided to fool around with the stuff on display.

Just finished this book, it was a great read.

Spending Valentines Day's afternoon at the library alone,

and heading to derby training after.

No dates today, Hafiz is busy working.

Besides, it doesn't really matter.

Yea my helmet needs a make over.

Photobooth:

53

2012-02-06T02:39:00.000+08:00

Mayday!!!!!!!:

NEED TO WORK OUT 5 TIMES A WEEK AGAIN

SWEET MOTHER OF HIPPO WHAT HAPPENED TO ME!?

I was ~almost~ there.

This was .... a year ago..

When the gym in Tampines was still up and running.

Inspiration?

Jillian Michaels

and

THIS.

Been down for way too long I think its time I woke the fuck up.

Night.

52

2012-02-03T23:35:00.000+08:00

Kulai, Johore :

The younger sister

Where we stayed, not too shabby, not too scary.. But it was quite an experience I must say. Aha.

Theres a little pool and a little tree house thing nearby.

There was this kitty, named Abu (which means "ash" in Malay).

I supposed she was named after her greyish brown fur.

You could almost smell the freshness of the air just by looking at the picture.

Turkeys casually chilling out, sitting.

Of course, my aunts and uncles were having fun picking out fruit from the trees.

Can't really do that in Singapore anymore.

Not sure what this is, but I think it's edible too.

Weirdest creepy crawly I have ever seen!

Mr Caterpillar what are you even?!

My second brother. Vainpot.

Eldest brother trying out this little bike that belonged to the landscaper's nephew.

My favourite! Got to ride in and drove one of these a couple of times too.

Buggies are wicked cool.

My mom being... my mom.

Turkeys and cat bonding in the sun.

From left to right: Eldest brother, cousin, and aunt.

Though it only lasted about two days since the adults had to go home a day earlier,

it was nice to get away from everything for a while.

Yes, even the internet.

51

2012-01-31T17:27:00.000+08:00

In the week;

How different I look sometimes. ._.

Impromptu movie date

I love this boy (:

Maxxie got castrated ):

Still handsome.

Favourite kind of stir fry veg with seasoned boiled chicken.

Tempeh + tofu + French beans + onions + chillies + leftover prawn

= kick ass stir fry veg!

Looks similar to sambal goreng, but it's much much healthy and easier.

Off to derby in a bit! Haven't had time for trainings for a really long while.

Oh yeah, in accordance to the Foo Fighters concert coming up real soon,

here's the timeless Best of You.

50

2012-01-27T02:46:00.000+08:00

Some shorties

Enjoy (:

49

2012-01-25T03:35:00.002+08:00

People leave.

One way, or another.

Whether you like it or not.

It's an unfaltering reality that abandonment holds hands with inevitable change.

It's irreversible, and indelible.

Once a person has left, fled, or vanished into thin air,

that person would always serve as a painful reminder that

all your efforts to retain a connection was insufficient.

Inadequate.

--

48

2012-01-17T00:01:00.000+08:00

For the most part, since school started, all I did was get by.

I guess it isn't that peculiar to me that I've been feeling increasingly sluggish towards the end of the semester.

It happens to everyone.

Final assignments are piling up and I've been sorting them out despite how laborious it all seems.

Can't afford to accomodate to social loafing any longer, I wouldn't want to appear sloppy.

My energy has recently been channeled to school, my family, with Hafiz in between,

but I really do miss my favourite girls.

I'll definitely make time for them as soon as the weight on my shoulders get lifted.

But for now, I guess I gotta keep this up in order to get the shit in school sorted.

Just finished a 2000 word proposal for my Written Communications module.

Not my favourite assignment, but it was pretty doable.

Aaand now I heading for the most inviting slumber, wrapped snugly in the comfort of my duvet.

Goodnight!

47

2012-01-16T23:24:00.000+08:00

I'm sorry, I haven't really been there for either of you lately when I should have.

Although most of the time I keep to myself,

I'm still here.

I love both of you.

46

2012-01-12T18:00:00.000+08:00

Pardon me for my hiatus.

It's been a busy start of the year.

I'll be back in a bit, promise.

Here are some instagrams I took using Hafiz' phone:

(Mostly Maxxie and food though)

45

2012-01-02T05:39:00.000+08:00

How did I spend New Year's Eve?

Went grocery shopping, cooked up dinner,

and watched movies til the break of dawn with Hafiz.

Nothing too fancy, or expensive...

Just lots of love, without getting drunk, or getting caught up in crowds.

It's the best New Year's Eve celebration a girl could ever ask for. (:

Roast Black Pepper Chicken..

with leftover BK onion rings from the afternoon put to good use.

Garlicky Baked Fries.

My dad was home (so yes, we had parental supervision lol),

so the three of us ate what Hafiz and I cooked up.

Oh I forgot to take a photo of the garlic bread we had too. That one was frozen though.

Managed to sneak a few lovey dovey shots while waiting for movies to begin on tv. (:

We originally planned to watch Star Wars IV, V and VI but the trilogy wasn't anywhere at home,

so since Starhub was being nice and gave everyone all channels free, we got to watch pretty good movies!

I am truly blessed.

44

2011-12-31T04:33:00.001+08:00

2011

I started from scratch, I pieced myself together one step at a time.

2010 was the bottom of the pit for me; the stress, the drama, the self-pity.

Honestly, I lost myself, all the control, everything.

I got tangled in colossal mess. I still regret every mistake I made.

It's quite frightening how I let me despise myself so much.

I was just bottom-line, sick of it all.

First of all, I yearned to get back on my feet.

For so long I felt like a wilted flower begging for sunlight, but all that I really got was rain.

I had been too strong for too long, the walls around me were caving in.

I had forgotten about the muscle in my chest.

The exemplary illustration of life, a beating heart.

There was that evidence that I was still human, despite how most of the time days passed and I ceased to exist.

How could I ever love anything else, if I hadn't loved myself first?

I needed to learn how to love again, as blatant as it sounds.

Though most of the time it seemed like I had my shit together,

I was just desperate to distract myself from the unfaltering reality that it was extremely difficult to do alone.

I made a ton of new friends, and I thank every single one of them for plainly making me happy and keeping me occupied.

However, poor judgement and sheer folly led me to hurting quite a few people too.

But how could I have opened up, if they were leaning on the other side of the door too eager to listen?

The year was a bitch slap to the face.

Losing the family's main source of income, realisation of incompetence in school, and utter disappointments every day.

I was caught in the eye of a tornado surrounded by all the hullaballoo around me, I didn't know what to focus on.

I. lost. control.

Meeting someone like Hafiz was a miracle.

God knew I was on the verge of falling again, and somehow Hafiz came and grabbed me by the hand.

Sometimes I feel as though he's my guardian angel.

I'm not even peeved as I normally would be cause I typed something as cliched as that.

Now that's something.

Another cliched thing I'm about to mention is how he makes me want to believe in myself.

He teaches me how to let go, to be patient, to be humble, to have faith, and mostly, to love myself.

This part's in present tense, because he never stops trying.

I never thought I'd find anyone like that, in my life, ever.

Now I feel truly blessed.

At least one part of my life's so much more bearable.

It's always great to feel like you're not alone anymore.

I guess slowly, everything will fall into place, I believe.

My dad got a new location for a new gym, my prayers go out to him.

It kills me to see my mother cry and my father look so helpless.

2011, you've been a year of many reflections and lessons learnt.

I express my utmost gratitude to you, thank you.

43

2011-12-31T03:12:00.000+08:00

Whoever wrote this short paragraph really deserves a kiss on the cheek.

It's so true about 2011, no doubt about that.

42

2011-12-27T02:08:00.000+08:00

Just visuals for now!

41

2011-12-24T02:56:00.001+08:00

A post on vas been happening!

I was supposed to be revising a whole lot during this 2 week break,

obviously I have failed tremendously.

Nonetheless, like the late John Lennon said,

"Time you enjoyed wasting was not wasted."

~Le visuels~ from the week follow below, enjoy!

Fika for dinner on Tuesday night, it was my virgin visit.

It also came along with the best schoolmates;

Sab, Theo, Derek, Liz, Qam, Tessa, Esaint, Gerald, Jo, Dan, Daus, and also Sheen.

Love the ambience of the restaurant!

Christmas Platter

Gotta love 'em Swedish meatballs!

Thursday:

Lunch @ home with my favourite boy

- San Remo's Four Cheeses Pasta and a little bit of Sushi!

Sorry for the heavy edits, just tryna make up for the shit photos.

Im a shitty photo-taker. ):

Fooled around with Hafiz' fixie for a bit.

Seriously want a bicycle too, be it a Flying Pigeon or Fixie.

Ok did a bit more than that in the week but obviously I don't bring my camera everywhere.

However I must say that I'm extremely excited to go to USS on Christmas Eve with my siblings!

Merry Christmas to all of you celebrating!

40

2011-12-20T03:20:00.001+08:00

18th December

We postponed Sentosa day to this day,
and BOTH of us managed to wake up in time, while the sun was still up.

Well we both knew it was gonna rain so in our hearts we already knew we didn't have much sun time.
Got some food, had a little picnic, got to swim in the water, and then it poured.

We were under this undersized, good-for-nothing shelter the whole time it was raining.
It stopped for awhile, but it continued til night time.

Not going to go into detail but it really was a lovely date. (:

xx

--

Some are lazy edits.

He was impersonating David Hasselhoff in Baywatch. What an idiot. I love this boy.

39

2011-12-20T03:04:00.000+08:00

17th December

Initial plan was for Sentosa, but of course,
since the both of us had a late night before, one of us overslept.

Yes, it was the birthday boy. Of course it was him, I'm always punctual.

Ok moving on, technically he wasn't the birthday boy anymore
but I had planned that we celebrated that day.
He woke up about 3 hours after the time we were supposed to meet so that was pretty... fucked.

Anyway we then planned to head to the flea at HomeClub...
but we were too late for that too.

Woops.
In hopes of maintaining our high spirits for the day we headed for Peninsular Plaza.
We actually wanted to check out the shoes there
but I had this marvelous idea to check out the camera shops.

I saw in the window a 50mm f/1.8 prime lens going for $88!
Such a steal! It's secondhand but the quality was as good as new!

Being the sweetheart that he was,
Hafiz got it for me cause he knew I've been wanting it since forever.
2 whole years, to be exact!

I literally couldn't stop smiling.
I couldn't stop smiling until, well,
there was this crazy lady beside me in the bus on our way to town.

Then I was a little creeped out.

Walked around and for a birthday gift, on top of the Fish n Co treat the day before,
I got him a pair of Steve Janoski Nike sneakers.

Walked around some more and I got to write on the floaty ball thingos for Singapore's New Years Celebrations.
Apparently they were for resolutions, but I just wanted to say thanks to 2011.
You'll see in the picture below for what. (:

Ended the day like almost every other day,
he sent me home and I floated to my room on a cloud.

xx

--

Hfz trying out the lens in the long busride home while I slept on his lap.

38

2011-12-20T02:32:00.000+08:00

16th December.

Happy Birthday Hafiz.
I'm sorry I didn't make up some extravagant celebration or plan something sublime,
but I knew if I did something big you'd only half-like it.
Plus it would be completely unlike me to plan big celebrations, you know that.
You don't ask for much and I love that about you.

I love that I don't have to do much to make you happy.
Not that I didn't want this day to be special,
we both know that everyday feels pretty damn awesome already.

You have a good heart, and it truly inspires me.
Your scars, your bruises, the past chapters in your life,
they make me love you more every day.

I never knew true love until God led me to you,
and I am forever thankful.

--

Pics on the 16th were really shitty pictures. My kit lens is fucked.

Had dinz at Fish n Co!

Walked around before catching a midnight movie - New Years Eve.

I'd give it about a 4/5 rating, it's pretty funny!

Love how it was practically just the two of us in the cinema stretching our legs out on other seats!

Spent the entire evening with him, since I had school til 6.

Was super shagged, but it was worth it.

37

2011-12-18T03:16:00.000+08:00

Me:"You're crazy for putting up with my bitchfits."

Hfz:"But that's just love isnt it? Real love makes you crazy. And this is real. "

Sorry for my short hiatus, the week had been busy.

Taking a break from school for 2 weeks, so that would mean plenty of time for updates.

Just gimme a moment.

Goodnight!

36

2011-12-10T00:20:00.000+08:00

So I only put 3 things on my face daily,

Himalaya Herbals Neem Face Wash

In the morning and in the evening when I come home.

Or basically whenever I shower.

Himalaya Herbals Under Eye Cream

This is a recent addition to my daily routine,

read the reviews and they were pretty good so I put this on everynight.

Water

Works well with the facial wash and even on its own.

._.

Alright, and now in the event of breakouts...

Dalacin T

Now in Singapore, you can only get it if you have a prescription from the doctor

cause this shit's able to cure really bad breakouts/acne.

I usually get it from the pharmacies in Malaysia.

Costs cheaper there too!

SebaMed ClearFace Anti-Pimple Gel

Works like a charm. I use it when I don't have the Dalacin T.

Pretty pricey for a small tube, but hey, it works!

$10 a tube I think.

Basically what I use daily is non-chemical

and non-soap because my skin's that sensitive.

For breakouts, I really only trust those two products.

So there you go!

35

2011-12-09T23:31:00.000+08:00

6 December 2011.

The day my family and I lost a dear person.

The day we lost a great storyteller,

a great father, a great stepfather,

and an amazing grandfather.

I know I was never that close to you when I was little,

but I knew you took care of my siblings and I when my parents were away.

I sometimes wish I was less of a scaredy-cat when I was a kid

so I could talk to you and you could talk to me.

Cause all I did as a kid was to be around my parents and cousins.

You worked on a ship so as a kid I imagined you were a pirate.

I heard so many stories about you, growing up,

but I never got to hear it from you.

When your health was deteriorating it was no wonder you forgot me quite quickly.

I'm sorry I never took the step forward.

I guess while I was busy growing up,

I forgot you were growing older too.

I forgot you weren't permanent.

I'm sorry.

)':

34

2011-12-05T22:23:00.000+08:00

Saturday:

Gathering at Gran's place.

Her health's been an issue lately, I hope she gets well soon.
I don't want to even think of not having my favourite Granny ):

Best cousins, Sakina and Raudhah!

Got this woman a H&M gift card for her birthday.

Hope you like it love (:

When I got home I made a Nutella Mug Cake! Delicious!

You can find the recipe online, everywhere.

I think if you had icecream, try it with the cake!

Sunday:

After SlutWalk we chilled at my place and I did some schoolwork while he watched TV.

Love how well everything feels so perfect when he's around.

Yes, THAT coming from ME is pretty... weird.

Stealin kisses when the parents aren't looking HA.

And I love how Max loves him too!

Monday (This morning):

Notice how puffy my face was? Do you? Ok ignore that.

Hate ma manly jawwww ugh

Ok so I was crying from a belly ache before ok so shush.

ITS THAT BAD.

Anyway I actually had planned to go to school today

until I got woken up by this piercing pain in my abdomen.

Tried to sleep it off until my alarm for school went on but nooooo the pain persisted.

Was practically egesting and vomiting my internal organs out every 10 minutes.

It was crazy, so I decided to give school a miss.

I feel so weaaaaaaak I'm such a sickly penguin.

BEEN FALLING SICK ALL THE TIME

dushfuwqfhwquf23h23s@@!!!

33

2011-12-02T01:59:00.003+08:00

The SlutWalk protest marches began on April 3, 2011, in Toronto, Canada, and became a movement of rallies across the world. Participants protest against explaining or excusing rape by referring to any aspect of a woman's appearance. The rallies began when Constable Michael Sanguinetti, a Toronto Police officer, suggested that to remain safe, "women should avoid dressing like sluts." The protest takes the form of a march, mainly by young women, where some dress in ordinary clothing and others dress provocatively, like "sluts." There are also speaker meetings and workshops. Some objectors have remarked that this approach is an example of women defining their sexuality in male terms.

It has since spread all over the world.

A movement like this is something everyone should really open their eyes to.
It's not about feminism, if anything.
It's about morals, it's about humanity.

--

I'm joining this event together with the CPDG, because we strongly support the movement as well.

Come join! Visit their facebook page or their official website!

32

2011-11-28T01:05:00.000+08:00

You hold me like your most prized possession,

yet you give me enough room to breathe.

You look at me like you've never wanted anything more,

I'm enough for you and you're enough for me.

I love you, and the way you love me too.

Oh God we look like we should be on a Christmas card or something.

This boy surely doesn't look his age, I swear.

25th November:

My birthday was lovely, despite the downs of the day.

It turned around when he sat me down to talk it out

and then surprised me with my best girls, Julz and Khai.

Oh we had dinner at Manhattan Fish Market too.

Taken from my blog -

"A large part of why my the start of my birthday wasn’t a “happy” one

was because of this one unnerving truth;
the people who I thought really cared about me turned out
to be the complete opposite of what they claimed to be.
You came. You left. You forgot.

Though it sucks that some people have failed to seize my existence,
I still feel blessed and so, so thankful."

26th November:

Woke up for breakfast with the parents before meeting the boy and J to head to Oakham Market.
We actually had to queue for a fair bit before going in.
Got a knit top as well as this denim circle skirt!

Then J parted with us and Hafiz and I changed before heading to MBS for his friend's birthday party!
The hotel room was huge and really really pretty, and so was the sky garden.

Hafiz and I found it largely taxing to get up from under the duvet
of the king sized bed we were snuggling in.
I reckon if I had that bed to myself this very moment,
my back wouldn't face so much problems anymore.

Wish I had taken some pictures of my own though.

xx

31

2011-11-26T01:51:00.000+08:00

Turned 17 yesterday.

Ha.

30

2011-11-25T11:02:00.000+08:00

Woke up feeling.....

immensely melancholic.

Actually to the point of wanting to hide all day.

Eventhough..

29

2011-11-24T01:04:00.000+08:00

"I cant be strong as you to face all the consequences thats happening in life. I didnt do well in my current course and I cant handle other problems which are affecting my life. What a pathetic and hopeless person i am. "

Don't put yourself down.

You're not hopeless. Believe in yourself.
There's more to you than you realise, so have faith in it.
Don't give up on yourself.

You're not pathetic.
Everyone's allowed to feel vulnerable or sad sometimes.
It's only human. We all need to let it out, we all need a little push.

You're not incapable. You're enough.
You're the only person who can be you,
and no one else can actually fit in your shoes
and go about your life exactly the way you have.
So stop comparing yourself to;
your sister, brother, cousins or acquaintances.
Why?

Lets face it, in true fact, you will never be these other people.
Why?
Because what you have right now is what you've got for your entire life.
You can't pick yourself out from a shelf like a book.

Shut out comparison.
Be the best you can be for yourself, and no one else.
Though it sounds a little selfish, it's not.
It's just you, loving your very being.
Love yourself, be the best at "being you".

Never tell yourself you can't.
Keep out that self-doubt, it's not only hurting yourself,
it could hurt the people around you too.
Don't let the little things bring you down.
They don't matter.

Because the moment a letdown happens, it's already made its way to the past.

You're strong, you're just afraid of your own powers. Don't be.

At the end of the day, the first step of letting go is to forgive yourself.
Holding that grudge against yourself would be the biggest obstacle you'd ever have to encounter.

You're going to be okay, I know.

xx

28

2011-11-21T11:37:00.000+08:00

We all wear masks but never notice.

27

2011-11-20T22:56:00.001+08:00

This movie was good.

Hit me close to heart. Not because I've been a victim of a paedophile,

but because I know someone who has been.

No questions.

Extracted from the movie:

Jeff Kohlver: You were coming on to me!

Hayley Stark: Oh, come on. That's what they always say, Jeff.

Jeff Kohlver: Who?

Hayley Stark: Who? The pedophiles! 'Oh, she was so sexy. She was asking for it.'
'She was only technically a girl, she acted like a woman.'
It's just so easy to blame a kid, isn't it!
Just because a girl knows how to imitate a woman,
does NOT mean she's ready to do what a woman does.

[pause]

Hayley Stark: I mean, you're the grown up here.
If a kid is experimenting and says something flirtatious,
you ignore it, you don't encourage it!
If a kid says 'Hey, let's make screwdrivers!'
You take the alcohol away, and you don't race them to the next drink!

Check it.

26

2011-11-19T02:18:00.000+08:00

Oh yeah, almost forgot!

I DO have tonsillitis!

*sad face*

25

2011-11-19T01:59:00.003+08:00

Since my birthday is less than a week, I should put up a materialistic, self-absorbed, want-post.

Brace yourselves.

Dr Martens Mary Janes, exactly as shown above.

Will never be completely happy without this baby.

A denim circle skirt, like that of Americal Apparel's.

Derby guards. Well, for derby.

Because I've never tried a Red Velvet Cake.

Dresses like this.

Because the need for one is becoming increasingly urgent.

Because I want a bicycle and I love the feel this bicycle gives.

UNIF Iball Shirt. I don't know, I'm just strangely attracted to this.

I would wear it in my knickers every day.

For outdoor skating, of course. I do my cardio on skates so..

Who doesn't love knits!

Entirely impossible to get.

Delfina Delettrez skeleton hand bracelet.

If they don't have one for women, I'd wear it anyway.

Need to have this shirt. Almost worship this band.

If you listened to TUI, and at the same time you wished you could lick Johnny Depp's face,

you would want this shit right here too.

Pointer Suede boat shoes

Too pretty to not have. Sadly it's pretty pricey too.

Need to read this.

"Drugs, Azimah? No!!!"
Relax, it's just Prozac. I actually do need them.

Okay maybe the Prozac bit was outta line. Ha ha.

But that doesn't make my want for anti-depressants less true.

If you noticed, I'm never really picky with clothing brands or whatever.

To tell you the truth, I know NOTHING about designer brands,

or the latest hullaballoo that's happening.

Maybe I just ~know~ brands, but I don't actually... study fashion, you know?

Oh come on, let's all be real here. I can never afford it at the mo'.

I'm a student for God's sake, I don't even have a monthly allowance!

Most of what I buy and wear are from fleas and what not.

They're all comfortable and safe. Comfort over everything else, any day!

I've never understood high fashion, and I'm cool with that.

The reason I'm stating this here is because I'm tired of seeing

pretentious people trying so hard to be something they're not.

You're not fooling anybody.

24

2011-11-18T13:41:00.000+08:00

Got an advanced birthday gift from the boy.

Didn't think he knew how much I really wanted one of these babies.

I love how he's so unpredictable sometimes.

Excited to experment on Ms Holga right here.

Though I know it's gonna be quite pricey, heck,

its all in the name of experimenting anyway!

Here are some random stuff we took over at his place;

Anyway my immune system has been extremely weak.

I'm down with a throat infection and I fear it may worsen to become tonsillitis.

I have mixed feelings about having to only be able to eat non-solid food easily,

pros; may lose weight, cons; solid food are the best food.

Resting home today, still contemplating on whether I should go to the clinic.

Ah well.

23

2011-11-16T13:12:00.000+08:00

Never tried a Red Velvet Cake/ Cupcake.

Somebody? Anybody? ):

My birthday's coming in less than two weeks.... If any of you remember...

22

2011-11-12T15:52:00.001+08:00

She'd just sat down near a vacant table in The Attic
and flipped open her notebook when she heard her phone ring.
It startled her a bit, considering how quiet the study area was.

She frantically dug through her bag in search of her mobile phone,
she didn't want to disturb the people studying.
It was lying in the pit of her tote, she grabbed it and took a look at the screen.

She smiled.

"Hello?"

"Hey could you get to the busstop in a few minutes? I got someone to hand something to you."
Upon hearing the voice of the boy she so dearly adores, her heart skipped a beat.

"What? What are you talking about? This is stupid."
She didn't know what to say.
At the back of her head she knew he'd probably planned something too cheesy for her liking.

Yet at the same time, she was excited.
I guess she was trying to put up a hard exterior.

"Just get to the busstop okay, no questions."

"Ugh, fine," she sighed, "I'll be down in a bit." She hung up.

Truthfully, she found it quite laborious to go up
and down the hills of her campus to get to the bus stop.
She took her time, and just as she was about to take out her phone,
someone grabbed her by the waist.

It was him.

He greeted her with a peck on the forehead and almost instantly, her arms embraced his body.

--

They were at the roof of her school building, leaning against a warm metal railing, looking at the buildings around.
The sky was a shade of orange, with a little bit of pink.
Usually around this time they would be able to see the sun set.
Unfortunately, the clouds were hiding the sun.

He turned to her and said, "so how long are you planning on making me wait?"

She tried to divert the question into something less awkward,
she couldn't find words to express how she never intended for him to, you know, wait.

Obviously she was getting quite nervous.
Making eye-contact was incredibly difficult,
her insides felt like they were about to explode.

"Fight it," said the voices in her head.

"Cut to the chase, will you?"
She kept whatever she said simple and short so her nerves wouldn't show.
She hated looking vulnerable.

"Alright. I believe in soulmates, and I see mine in you.
Okay what I've been meaning to say is,
will you be my girlfriend?"

--

And the rest is history.
11.11.11. HOW CORNY.
But I said yes, after 3 other times he asked.

Couldn't stop crying happy tears. (':

21

2011-11-11T14:31:00.000+08:00

Need to get back on track.

Truthfully, lately I've been greatly melancholic and I haven't had anything on my mind

other than how much I feel I've lost control.

Things I've lost hold over:

Achieving success in school
My fluctuating weight and measurements
My bank account
Maintaining my composure through SO much pressure.

I know this makes me sound namby-pamby

but I'm just the type who needs a firm grip over everything, or else I'd completely breakdown.

Talk about control-freak.

I just really deeply appreciate how much Hafiz has been patient with my colossal moodswings

and erratic behaviour - which had been clearly evident in my tweets.

My Twitter account, I must warn you, contains a great amount of bipolarity

ranging from bursts of rage to an influx of euphoria (from being so deeply in love).

Don't follow me.

I don't know how he does it.

To tell you the truth I would've already beaten the crap out of me if I was him.

True story.

Got Radio Production in a bit, will post something with content that's much less.. meh.

Later.

20

2011-11-11T13:51:00.000+08:00

It's the weekends! So I'm gonna be posting an update later on after school.

I miss this space!

19

2011-11-06T19:45:00.000+08:00

Sorry I've been busy, assignments are coming in!

Oh im gonna have to do a few blogposts for school on contemporary issues soon so,

you don't have to read those posts when I post em, soon.

/Edited/

OK apparently I don't have to ACTUALLY post them up on my blog har har har

18

2011-10-31T17:08:00.000+08:00

candid.

And here I am looking like a sad Jason.

Pity I don't have a good picture of myself, barely know the guy taking photos anyway!

I'm in school, it's raining, I'm still sick, my bones are aching.

17

2011-10-29T11:02:00.000+08:00

Saw this off Facebook and I'm somewhat offended by this extremely sexist notion.

The author of this... this utter nonsense obviously has his panties in a bunch.

This guy puts the word, female, in inverted commas (""). What for? Does a woman's poor decisions make her less of a woman? Don't people make mistakes?
The men who posted this and re-posted this supporting this notion are the bigger assholes. Yes, MUCH bigger assholes than the abusive exes, the cheating exes, basically the men in the bad relationships. Nice guy? Nice guy my ass. This entire thing just goes to show how cold, bitter and empty someone can get. It's sad, really. Why so much hate?

Personally, I'd rather date someone who wasn't "perfect" to start with and he changes for better,

than the "perfect" guy who turned bitter, cold, and so full of hate.

I'd love to go on, but my fever is immensely draining the life out of me.

39 degrees Celsius. Yes. On a Saturday. Halloween Saturday.

Fuck me.

16

2011-10-26T12:57:00.000+08:00

The best (relatively) cheap ice cream ever! Dairy Queen's Blizzard in Brownie Temptation.

Look at that smile :')

Was scratching my face. And then when I saw this photo it reminded me of a cat, HENCE.

It was another unplanned aimless date. Was supposed to go to Swatch to fix my watch....

but I left my watch at home. Yeah well shit happens okay!

15

2011-10-26T12:50:00.000+08:00

The reason I haven't been updating my tumblr.

And then there was some problem with the email I used to sign in my tumblr account with.

Yes, even my email address was blocked. Don't know how and why but...

ITS ALL GOOD NOW!

14

2011-10-23T02:09:00.000+08:00

Aren't they pretty!

These babies are second-hand by the way! Got them at a thrift store in Chinatown.

Was extremely lucky to find a pair that fit so well!

PLUS these have the steel toecaps, and they don't sell them anymore, from what I know.

And I heard that Dr Martens are now made in China? This one's the older "generation" so it's made in England!

Yea I just had to say that cause it sounds cooler ha ha ha.

Thank GOD the quality's still really good. Got it for like 1/3 it's original price. What a steal!

Christian Louboutin inspired spiked slip-ons! Love this pair.

Attention-grabbing, I must say.

Wore 'em a couple of times already and the looks on people's faces were priceless!

13

2011-10-22T02:04:00.000+08:00

I miss taking photos like these, really. It depresses me that my camera's wearing out and

unfortunately, my finances hinder me from getting the tools I need to, you know, expand.

I've been wanting to get a 50mm f/1.8 really, and a Canon 60d since forever.

The functions and quality is just amazing.

Maybe experiment lomography?

I'm not much of a camera person, but I'd really love to learn, I just don't know where to start.

Dreams, dreams.

It sucks to wake up and smell the roses to realise that at the end of the day,

we all need $$$, and right now I guess I'll have to put my ~wants~ on hold.

Priorities suck but I guess that's growing up.

It gets frustrating when you see people around you have everything you wish you had,

and you're left to settle for... mediocrity.

It makes you feel like you're not good enough, although you know you're SO MUCH better than ~mediocre~

I'll keep dreaming til these dreams come true. Never do things half-assed, they say.

12

2011-10-22T01:42:00.000+08:00

I remember coming across this in tumblr and I cried like an idiot.

But it made me sleep better that night.

True story.

2011-10-19T14:11:00.000+08:00

1st day of school

Yup, 2nd day of school and I already looked like crap. It's the 3rd day now so YES ITS WORSE NOW.

Ooh Shawn creeping at the back.

11

2011-10-19T14:01:00.000+08:00

Before school started

Intense staring contest.

Went shopping for school stuff, since I got my bursary money.

We decided to dine at Fish and Co cause I've never done so before!

Neither had he, so you could imagine how awkward we were when we were ordering.

Pop Tarts for breakfast on the first day of school (:

Real updates soon!

10

2011-10-15T08:53:00.000+08:00

It sucks to wake up in the morning to see someone you love, especially your mother, cry.

The year's been pretty tough on me and my family lately,

and repeatedly I've been questioning my faith in everything.

It's hard to hang on when you're repeatedly being pushed to the ground.

But hey I guess it isn't about how many times you've fallen,

it's about how many times you're willing to get back up.

I can do this. I still have faith. I still have hope.

I got this.

(I know, SO much optimism lately. Not quite sure where it's coming from.)

In school all aloney now 'cause I'm always the earliest. Ok, reason being, my dad sent me to school.

But still!

Oh hey listen to this, pretty much the soundtrack to this stage of my life now;

Cro-mags - Hard Times

Hard times are comin your way
You're gonna have to rise above it some day
Organize your life and figure it out
Or you'll go under without a doubt
Hard times! Hard times!
Seems i'm bein forced into a mold
Hard times! Hard times!
Forcin me and i'm growin cold
Hard times are coming through
But if your hard they won't get to you
They're gonna try to drive you into the ground
But never surrender, never go down!
Hard times! Hard times!
Seems i'm bein forced into a mold
Hard times! Hard times!
Forcin me and i'm growin cold
Cromag!
Skinhead!
Breakout!
Now!

09

2011-10-14T01:41:00.000+08:00

If you're

feeling low
feeling rejected
feeling incompetent
feeling incapable
feeling lonely
feeling unworthy
feeling unloved
feeling jaded
feeling used
feeling numb
feeling abused
feeling insignificant
feeling incomplete
feeling inadequate
feeling sad
feeling mad
feeling whatever that's just, negative, basically.

Please know that it gets better, you'll be better.

Please know that it's okay, it will always be okay.

Please know that miracles will happen if you're patient enough, have patience.

Your heart will heal, you will feel again.

You're beautiful, just look at yourself, inside and out.

You don't have to go around comparing yourself to another person.

Why? Because you're you, you will always be you.

You'll never be the other person, and that person will never be you.

All you have to do is be the best at being you.

That isn't so hard.

"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."

Felt like I should cheer people up tonight.

08

2011-10-13T01:25:00.000+08:00

DiSC is an acronym for;

Dominance – relating to control, power and assertiveness
Influence – relating to social situations and communication
Steadiness – relating to patience, persistence, and thoughtfulness
Compliance – relating to structure and organization

After taking the DiSC test during the TCP camp last month, it dawned on me that I wasn't losing my mind.

Instead, some things about myself that I used to compare with everyone else just didn't matter anymore.

This was my personal report!

"While accepting of aggression or challenges,

they are restrained in expressing emotion,

often rejecting affection."

YUP, it sounds like me.

Love how true this is. I feel less like a crazy bitch now. (:

07

2011-10-13T00:38:00.000+08:00

While waiting for the rest to be ready so we could all check out.

So the SG NewWave Camp was at the Aloha Changi Chalets, and I didn't think I'd have as much fun as I actually did!

Everything was so chilled and relaxing although it was organised properly.
It was probably because of the small amount of people in the CCA who attended and there weren't any lecturers poking into our business. :P

SGNewWave is this co-curricular club for the Film and Media Studies students where we review films and make films ourselves too,
it's really sweet cause most of the time all you have to do is watch movies!
Real, good movies that aren't overhyped by the media.
Wasn't in it last semester but I quite recently joined since I've got more time now.

Loved the camp. Endless laughter, excellent company, and an even greater experience.
It was nice to get away from the kind of foggy gloominess of the house for a bit.

On a side note, I miss my best girls;

Kept this in my Mac. Love you two. <3

06

2011-10-11T15:50:00.000+08:00

Day 1 at SGNewWave camp:

05

2011-10-10T08:09:00.000+08:00

My cheeks. The pimple on my nose. Why!?
My triceps also make my arms look a little lumpy. Why!?

Ok whatever enough self-hatred, I AM BEAUTIFUL. Will be away for ANOTHER camp for about three days. Don't know if I'll be updating.

xx

04

2011-10-08T17:19:00.000+08:00

From the All Time Low concert on the 6th. It was a great experience working for Launch Group for such an event!

Love the job!

Today (8th October), I made pizzas out of wholemeal tortilla, ready-made pizza sauce, garden salad,

pineapple slices, honey glazed chicken slices, mozarella cheese, and thyme plus cayenne pepper on top!

Guilt-free, cholestrol free, nutritious, and delicious!

Meeting my favourite boy in a bit.

03

2011-10-08T17:12:00.000+08:00

Photograph credits to Liz <3

School wouldn't be complete without this bunch of people. Love how we're all so different yet so great together.

02

2011-10-04T01:42:00.000+08:00

It's been a little over a month that I've been seeking shelter in your arms from the storms outside, and I couldn't, and wouldn't ask for anything else.

My entire being was jaded and worn from being the victim of my own persecution. I never mind solitude, I find isolation rather healing and comforting. Yet, I meet this gentleman and never would I have imagined that he'd give me the same feeling, if not, more.

A few weeks was all it took for you to walk through the walls I've so carefully built around me.

Well, I've come to realize that when the right person comes and you're least expecting it, you don't even have to "consider" being with them. I've always been one to make a mental list of Pros and Cons, and make bloody mental flowcharts of every boy I meet who's eager to steal my heart.

When things like this happen, you... just... know.

How?

It all just.. fits. Perfectly.

I refuse to turn this blog into a grotesque sappy teenage romance page so I shan't go on. We'll stick to the saying; "Less is more."

Night.

01

2011-09-26T02:27:00.000+08:00

I think it's true that the higher you build up these immensely thick, high walls around you, the harder you fall for that someone who brings them down.

In my case, he walked through them.

TCP Camp tomorrow, not excited but I figured I'll try this thing.. It's called interaction.

new

2011-09-25T02:42:00.001+08:00

I think I'll be posting more personal stuff here. Tumblr's overrated.