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Can't help but wonder if I have changed or this is just part of getting older. Getting by was much simpler when I could tell people my age by holding up my hands in front of me. Now every waking day is a struggle to seize because God knows how many days of youth I have left. Everything is moving so rapidly, and most of the time I find myself dazed at how little I've done after all this time.

Meaningful conversations also almost only take place between Amrien and I, and between my journal and I. By journal I mean an actual inanimate journal with pages of more private rants that I tuck somewhere beneath my bed. That actually narrows real verbal interaction which has a certain amount of depth in it to only be with my boyfriend. Which can be quite tiresome. Not that I don't enjoy it, I love debates with him. But I miss having close ties with people I have non-romantic relationships with. I don't know how/why I strayed away from these people, or how/why they strayed away from me, but that's just the way things are now. So I guess I'll just have to take it.

I think in my subconscious I'd instantaneously abandon my trust for a person I feel is being hypocritical or dishonest towards anything or anyone. Maybe that's why I never entirely let my guard down around my friends or family. Upside is, I never get disappointed or hurt. Downside, it gets a little bit lonely when you realise the only person honest to you is you.

Sucks to feel a little bit helpless, huh?

xx